Creation Date: 4-Sep-2015

Last updated: 18-Jun-2024

"One of the more interesting discoveries from her research is that 90% of the women surveyed (of all ages) had no guilt or remorse about their actions. Women reported actively pursuing their affairs with a sense of entitlement."

There are many popular websites, with videos, that claim adultery is the result of heredity in DNA programming.  Supposedly, if one or both of a person's parents were/are adulterers then offspring are DNA programmed to have the strong inclination.  Our physiology heredity is absolutely important to determine vulnerabilities of heart disease, cancer, alcoholism and others diseases, but not emotional decision making.  The correct understanding is
(a) The satanic realm is territorial,
(b) Our own selfish desires are the influencer of committing adultery. 
(c) Knowing of a parent's unfaithfulness can influence a son and daughter to be tempted and experiment for many reasons such as trying to understand why their parent betrayed their other parent.

There is sometimes the observation of offspring acting sinfully and suffering in the same ways as their parents in many sinful areas, which some Christians can  incorrectly state the sin is a generational curse.  Correctly, Fallen Angels and Demons will move to oppress and possess the next generation of a family where they are sometimes successful, and our own sinful natures can give into temptations without any Satanic influence. 

With exception of psychological disorders:

• A person's conscious knows adultery is wrong,
• A Christian absolutely knows adultery is wrong from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit who will speak in warning, and
• A very elementary knowledge of the scriptures warns and speaks of adultery being a grievous sin.

The problem with the studies on DNA programming determines a person's possibility of adultery, besides no biological proof, is the statistical study group is flawed.  Human-beings have a natural tendency to not divulge wrong doings like adultery.  Those who divulge are often in a category that skew the results because their actions are also known by their offspring that does create an influence to experiment and condone adultery to understand why their parent committed adultery on the other parent which the offspring loves. 

Six very important introductory points for the adulterer

• If you are an adulterer who has grown up in a home that had violence, a home that had abuse of any kind that may have included sexual abuse, or currently in an abusive relationship of any kind, then you should seek counseling immediately along with considering reporting anything that is a criminal.  The thoughts contained in this topic do not necessarily address the problems that you may be facing.
• If you are in fear of any potential violence or life-threatening situations because of adultery, then you should immediately get help and report the problem to the police.  Next, find a safe place for yourself and others which might include your children and parents.
• Sex between a married couple is one of the reasons and requirements for being married with exception of couples who marry at an old age when sex is no longer possible.  If your spouse will NOT have sex but is still able to have sex, then divorce is a Biblical option / solution for the spouse who needs sexual intimacy because of Prov. 5:15 23; 1 Cor. 7:1 9; 1 Thess. 4:1 12.  In this type of situation, counseling should be sought for a remedy first.  If your spouse is no longer physically able to have sex and there are no medical or pharmaceutical options, then there are no Biblical grounds to permit a divorce.  There is other permitted grounds for divorce which may be preventing the healthy sexual relationship that is required in a marriage.   (Note that staying in good physical shape is very important for the Christian, and is mentioned to improve marriage, but it is not grounds for divorce.)
• Unlike the sins that all of us do against ourselves, the sin of adultery/affair is one of the four greatest sins and it is against the Seventh, Eighth, Ninth, Fifth and Tenth Commandments.   Many of the greatest moral / ethical minds in history, have made comments to the effect of being able to understand and give sympathy to someone who is doing activities that hurt oneself; but anything that hurts others, like adultery, does not warrant sympathy.  Fortunately, Jesus Christ paid the price for all sins. 
• There are several forms of sinful and unhealthy Strong Hold addictions to sex.  If you have an addiction to sex which, has you participating in sexual conquests and sexual intimacy with others besides your spouse then this topic is a good starting place, but you will require professional assistance in combating your addiction.  Fortunately, there are clinics and recovery centers, that are covered by insurance, which handles alcoholism, drug addiction and sex addictions as all three addictions have commonalities in the not only the root causes but also in the successful treatment.  Everybody has thought processes which can be negatively "programmed" to create addictions because of events in life.  The good news, regarding a sexual addiction, is there is hope and change with God's help.
• God is going to use the Adultery as a Blessing for the Repentant Christian adulterer.  With exceptions, the adulterer will always have painful consequences and losses that are discussed in this topic, but God will turn the painful consequences into a blessing for the adulterer to receive and give to others if the adulterer works in Faith in God's purposes.  This is the hope that an adulterer should recognize, hold on to in their Faith and be eternally grateful for the Grace and Mercy God gives us all!  This is discussed further at the end of this topic.

Six steps to take after or during adultery

1. Stop immediately. It is wrong. Read Proverbs 5, Proverbs 6:20 - 7:27 if you don't understand the consequences. There are many, many more scriptural references which you can easily research.
2. Find two people that you can confess your adultery to, who you can trust and who can also hold you accountable in all areas of helping you to stop the affair along with not having one in the future. The two people should be of the same gender as you. Your selection of the two people should be based on respect, advice and prayer power to intercede for you.

   Galatians 6:1

   Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

3. DO NOT confess your adultery or affair to your spouse or partner. This is to be confessed to an accountability group, #2 step, and you must carry this burden for the rest of your life. The reasons are listed below in the section understanding the Victims Pain's and the Victim's Consequences.
4. Find ways to get fulfillment in your spouse that you substituted with someone else. 
5. Avoid all contact with the other person you were having an affair with.  If this other person works at the same job where you will inevitably have contact with one another, then you will need to transfer to another location within the company or find another job.  If this other person is a neighbor, then you need to consider a possible move.
6. If you have any memorable, souvenirs, gifts, photos, linked social media accounts, email / phone contact information with or from the other person you were having an affair with, then the items must be thrown away and deleted immediately, as they are satanic links to the memory and much more.  There are additionally the biological aspects to have God heal and remove. 
   (a) 1 Corinthians 6:16 is informing us that even if someone is just using someone else for sex, like a prostitute where there was no intent on a relationship, now has a link or bond with that person in the spirit.
   (b) There is biological evidence that confirms physical bonding with two people because of sex through hormones, neurohormones, oxytocin and vasopressin.  Women are more vulnerable in the biological bonding as the same type of bonding hormones are released by the body during childbirth and nursing which stimulates increased bonding with a baby.  The baby, just like the man, will be affected also in bonding.
   (c) A person has a choice in life to have links to Godly things through the Holy Spirit or have negative links through the Satanic Realm.  All links to adultery need to be eliminated so that the adulterous relationship can be completely cleansed.  If required, get a new mobile phone number, email address, block phone numbers and social media accounts.
   (d) In a covenant relationship, God gives a blessed linkage that goes way past the physical into the spiritual facet of our existence.  Links with another adulterer and even pornography, have the potential to harm or even destroy this gift linkage that God gives in a covenant relationship.

   1 Corinthians 6:16

   Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, The two will become one flesh.

In the area of Christian Ministries, it has been noted in some Biblical Scholar discussions that it astonishing how many wives of well-respected Pastors and Evangelists will have affairs on their husbands as this is often the weakest defense in a marriage for the Satanic Realm to damage the influence of a Godly Ministry. 

Additionally in recent decades, media outlets are increasingly exposing many men in Christian Leadership that have been and are currently involved in adultery.  This is the other avenue for Satanic Forces to permanently destroy a Man's role in a Church and Godly Ministry.  Men are held to a higher standard by God.  Furthermore, this author believes that men have the greater responsibility to be a deterrent against adultery as God gave men logic skills to overcome an influence to be tempted through emotions that cause adultery. 

Both men and women cannot be allowed to be in future leadership roles in a Church or Christian Ministry (more on this later in this topic) after adultery has occurred.  

We all need to recognize adultery is very common and there are many people looking for help.  This section is about statistics, possible reasons and other information dealing with marriage infidelity.  Having statistics about unmarried people cheating on relationships is an impossible statistic to estimate, but on married people it is possible to make a general theoretical estimate given below after the gold highlighted information.

In doing research on this topic, one of the books written in the 1980s, with collaboration from other qualified sources, gave the following potential estimations and key points regarding affairs and key points regarding affairs are

• From the era before the mid-1980s. 
• From data dealing with major cities in the United States.

This author has had some correspondence stating the percentages of adultery seem to be too high, but the best sources were based on the lifetime of a married person, that can be married more than once, where adultery is a great deal more common than people realize. 

It is interesting when researching about adultery information in other parts of the world, there are countries like the United Kingdom, that have a term called "secret garden", to refer to adultery (perhaps based on Erica James book "A Secret Garden Affair") that is somehow permissible if it is kept secret.  The French have an undeserved reputation about sexual relationships outside of marriage, because of the stereotype portrayals in movies and their political leaders.  The Italians also have an undeserved reputation based on tourism exposure to popular areas where women unescorted by a man, may be a target of flirtation.

This author has been recreational travelling the world for over twenty years now where great friendships have been made with the exposure of different cultures, that leads me to state adultery has no geographical limitations.  Perhaps the exception has been the Middle East culture and exposure to the country of the United Arab Emirates that has very punitive consequences for adultery that most likely leads to lower occurrences.

Therefore, based on data from great sources in the year of 1985, in the United States, and in major cities:

1. An estimation of 55% of married men will have one affair in their lifetime.  Note that this can be sexual or emotional for men and may involve a married or an unmarried woman, but more often are with married women.
   (a) Men have affairs primarily for sexual desires.
   (b) When men have affairs, the man will enjoy the sexual privileges (theft) of being an adulterer without any husband responsibilities.  Interviews of adulterous men reveal that the adulterous man never wanted the husband responsibilities, even if the adulterous woman believes (or was led to believe) she can rely and trust the adulterous man. 
    
2. An estimation of 70% of married women will have two affairs in their lifetime which more often are with unmarried men, which is why the married woman's statistic is higher than married men.  Additionally, married women will often state there was never adultery, with a different terminology, as it was just a sexual need being fulfilled with no adultery.  There are three primary reasons to explain the higher percentage:
   (a) A married woman having an affair with an unmarried man, counts as one for married women having affairs, but does not count for married men.   This does NOT mean the unmarried man having an affair is guiltless and sinless as the unmarried man is absolutely doing wrong when having an affair.
   (b) Women often and generally will use rationalizations on committing adultery, and state adultery is something else so they will state they have never committed adultery.  A women will further state it was not even cheating on a commitment, as it was just a sexual need not being fulfilled.  The rationalization when explaining sexual liaisons, a woman will use words to redirect and skirt the terminology, so they are attempting to avoid guilt because emotionally it is a woman's way to avoid stress and problems.  A quick search of videos on the internet has psychologists and therapists describing this nature of women rationalizations.  Men, because of their logic nature, do not use alternate labeling.
   (c) Women, in modern times, often use a self-defense protection system to always have a plan in case their marriage leads to divorce so that they will not be in financial or other types of problems.  The main part of the plan is to have a secondary man, that the women will have adultery with, to have a type of insurance in case of a divorce where the secondary man will be there to help.  The women will tell lies about her marriage to get the adulterous man to participate and have empathy and possibly love for the woman.
3. There are four additional areas of motivations and reasons for women having affairs:
   (a) A woman's motivation for an affair in the years before age 50, is often with the belief that they can get a better male provider, hypergamy, that will provide financial security.
   (b) A woman may be having an affair to get emotional and/or financial security so that they can leave their current relationship, where there is no love with future marriage intentions developed by the woman for the man they are having an affair with.
   (c) In the years before 50, an affair for a woman tends to be emotional with sexual intimacy.  After age 50, the woman will often have an affair for sexual desires that have increased because of age, and fear that her attractiveness is diminishing that makes a sexual desire for fulfillment stronger while it is still perceived as possible.
   (d) A woman may be having an affair when she is single to feel protected because she has no man to be there for her when she needs a man despite the man being married.
    
4. Both men and women will sometimes have affairs in later stages of their life with someone from their past relationships before their current marriage, for desires and regrets that never went away after the old relationships ended.  Part of the catalyst in initiating an affair is a fear of getting older where there will not be any chances remaining to be with a person from their history unless it is done soon before physical attractiveness, options and abilities fade away.
5. Both men and women will sometimes have affairs with the same person they had an affair with earlier in their marriage.
    

6. An interesting video blog from the year 2023, has the woman "Pearl" explaining the reason husbands have affairs is because wives "do not treat their husband like a man" with complaining, disrespect and no sex.  She adds that the wife must take responsibility that part of problem of her husband having an affair is because of her, and why does she care since she is not having sex with her husband.  This author agrees with the possibility, but her assessment requires a little more explanation.  This author would state that if a woman is:

   • Complaining to their husband about his problems,
   • Disrespecting their husband by not being an equal partner in the marriage, where respect is a man's number one requirement in a marriage, and
   • Not having sex with her husband

   then that will have the dual effect of:

   • Having the husband be less desirable in a sexual intimacy desire by his wife.  
   • Having the husband not wanting to have sexual intimacy with the wife.

   Pearl, in her blog, also states no matter what is going on, the husband should not cheat (have an affair) on his wife.  This author absolutely agrees.  Women need to also understand that if their husband is not having an affair then he is forced into self-gratification which involves his imagination or pornography.  A wife should want her husband's sexual intimacy desires to be focused on her and the wife should understand marriage roles.

The disturbing realization that comes with the estimated statistics above regarding the 55% of men and 70% of women means there are adulterers who are not average and may have numerous adulterous relationships.  Additionally, with the higher influence of acceptance of adultery and casual sex in advertising, print media, Internet sites, TV shows and movies, the statistics from the 1980s are most likely low compared to a higher estimated percentage of today. 

Some additional information, and an overall summary, dealing with these statistics and insights into affairs

1. Marriages that started from affairs in a previous marriage, statistically do not last albeit there are cases of marriages lasting.
2. Men have affairs primarily for sexual gratification.  In most cases, men use emotional tactics to entice women into the sexual conquest.  In the beginning, most men rationalize that what they are doing is okay because they still love their spouse.  There can be a period where the man will fall in love with the other adulteress woman, but it is statistically short lived.  The victim female spouse may be aware that their male spouse has strong sexual appetites in the years before mid-life, a typically 55, but normally do not know how to help, satisfy or work to prevent many men's desires to have an affair.  Men need to know that no matter the circumstances of frustration, the sexual gratification from an affair is absolutely not an option which will have penalties as described in the scriptures that make any carnal satisfaction from an affair not worth the painful consequences.
3. Women sometimes have affairs in the hope of finding a better future spouse, hypergamy, so that they can leave their current spouse. 
4. Women may have affairs for emotional intimacy in their younger years before mid-life, a typically around age 50 or before menopause.  In the following years and beyond, women will seek sexual gratification in affairs which is often explained by many women's sex drives become significantly stronger after mid-life and fear of physical beauty dissipating with the desire to have a man physically attracted to her while she perceives her self-worth based on beauty. 
5. Regarding many men after age 55, men sometimes develop medical problems, such as (1) Erectile Dysfunctional and/or (2) decrease desire for sex due to decreased testosterone.  These two problems prevent men from desiring and/or participating in sexual activities which becomes very frustrating to many women because of their new increased desires.  This new increased desire by women, by no means exonerates the woman from having an affair and they will have penalties explained below.
6. Women sometimes will have affairs to get financial assistance or security in their job.  They reconcile the affair in their mind as she is getting what she needs, and the man is getting something in return. 
7. Women will have affairs with single and married men as a secondary insurance plan to protect themselves in case of a divorce.  The adulterous man often knows he is a secondary protection and enjoys the role which doesn't require any husband duties.  The women will tell lies about her marriage to get the adulterous man to participate and have empathy, along with possibly love, for the woman.
8. Affairs on average last between 1.5 years to 2 years before boredom or guilt end them, along with some affairs being exposed.  With the habitual adulterer, this is also the point when looking for a new adulterous relationship.
9. Some affairs last the entire life or decades for individuals. A recent famous case, exposed in the late 1990s, is of the well know news correspondent from that time-period, Charles Kuralt who wrote several books: "A Life on the Road", "On the Road With Charles Kuralt" and "Charles Kuralt's America." who had an affair carrying on for decades, which was discovered after his death because the adulterer woman wanted to get specific assets of his estate.
10. Habitual adulterers will most likely have come to a decision and a belief that there is not a problem with having consensual sexual experiences outside of a committed marriage relationship because they believe in their minds that they are going to stay married.  They often believe experiences, outside of the marriage, strengthen their marriage and relieve problems in the marriage by having an outside mechanism to release, elevate or discuss problems that are not an option in the marriage.  This is one of the greatest traps of going down any path of a wrongful casual friendship ending up many years later to a complete desensitized thought process of not recognizing the penalties, the extreme damage that adultery does to oneself and others with loss of rewards in Heaven.
11. Some affairs occur between a married person and someone from a relationship before the marriage with the belief that it okay since the two people once loved one another and were sexually intimate, so in their minds, there is nothing occurring that has not already occurred.  This is very similar to the perspective of the previous point of being desensitized in a person's thinking to allow something like this to occur which will eventually cause devastating consequences.  Note: Some recent published studies state that an approximate 15% of men and women are having sexual relations with their previous spouse, after divorce while being remarried, because they still have feelings of love or lust for their previous spouse while stating they are just not marriage compatible.
12. It this author's belief, that is based on empirical evidence, that adultery is more common in the Christian professing Church than it is outside of the Church.  The reason behind the belief in this horrible reality is because Satanic Forces see Christians as their enemy and non-Believers are not a threat.  By getting Christians to fail in their commitments, faith and love that they should be exemplifying then it disarms the Christian.  In other words, it takes away from the fruitful life that the Christian should be living.  Non-Christians see the tragedies of affairs in Christian relationships and draw the wrong conclusion of Jesus Christ is not real.

A Pastor once told this author that "Some sins should never be done once because if you do them once then a million times will never be enough."  Romans 1:28 reinforces this comment by the Pastor which many may feel is too stringent; but note that counselors have reported that adulterers always knew that the first time they committed adultery was wrong but after that it was always rationalized away to allow them to continue. 

It this author's opinion, when the first adulterous sexual encounter happens, it is also similar to the experience of Adam and Eve when they bit into the forbidden fruit, which opened their eyes to good and evil.  Both Adam and Eve then had to deal with the change that was made because of their actions that removed their previous innocence.

In the Fall of Adam and Eve, the scriptures of Genesis 3:13 and 1st Timothy 2:14, reflect that Adam was not deceived.  A theory, by this author, is that one of the penalties that all women share as part of the Fall, is women are vulnerable to being emotionally manipulated and deceived more easily than men.  Men have their own set of penalties such as dealing lust of all kinds, where a man has to ignore innate given logic on knowing adultery is wrong.  A woman can enter adultery thinking, while still ignoring knowledge it is wrong just like Eve thought about the forbidden fruit, that there was something being withheld that the woman should be allowed to have and experience.

God gave women far superior use of emotional connecting thought processes that unfortunately can overrule decisions that are known to be logically wrong.  Women have a natural ability to nurture children, a husband and the elderly in ways that men must learn. 

Women are also more naturally gifted by God to appreciate and enjoy emotional connections without much of a catalyst and even being taught.  Women's feelings for a man, that is not her husband, can have the woman emotionally deciding that intimacy should happen because of the nurturing innateness she possesses combined with sexual desires.

Men do have emotional connections in life that are primarily developed and gained by development of their relationships with others that is experiential.  As commonly observed, little girls enjoy playing games with dolls that are in family units, and little boys enjoy action-oriented toys that have nothing to do with family and relationships.

Therefore, the overwhelming culpability is set on the adulterous man who will have to ignore, overrule, and disregard all the natural innate ability for men to logically understand that committing adultery is an extremely sinfully evil.  Notice in the scriptures that the penalties for an adulterous man are more painfully stringent.

Unfortunately, the incredibly difficult observation with many women, as also noted in some Psychologists sources, is women will blame their spouse for their infidelity stating they are a victim, that required adultery, with no remorsefulness.  Repenting from adultery with God participation, that is part of Grace and Mercy, requires taking responsibility and understanding adultery cannot be blamed on a spouse.  When women blame their spouse for their adultery then this is informing God that His Forgiveness is not required.  (This was discussed previously with the example of Felons in Penitentiaries Example on Rehabilitation.)

and 21-23

7 Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. 8 Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, 9 lest you lose your honor to others and your dignity to one who is cruel, 10 lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich the house of another. 11 At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent.

21 For your ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all your paths. 22 The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them; the cords of their sins hold them fast. 23 For lack of discipline they will die, led astray by their own great folly.

1. An adulterous Strong Hold to desire to commit adultery for the rest of their life.
2. A depraved mind that has difficulties recognizing Godly things until after a sustained period of time where God cleanses,
3. Remove the full influence, protection and guidance of the Holy Spirit,
4. Depression that often requires counseling,
5. Humiliated publicly in different areas of life that have nothing to do with being known as someone who committing adultery.
6. A insatiable desire for affirmation of desire to be felt by others that are considered attractive,
7. Financial losses,
8. Health problems,
9. Aging faster,
10. Attractiveness lost,
11. Love lost,
12. Love never felt as desired again,
13. Employment difficulties,
14. Subsequent chemical or substance Strong Hold addictions,
15. Inability to trust others that should be trusted,
16. A desire to be trusted by others, who do not even know about the past adultery, will not trust you,
17. Depraved sexual desires,
18. New adulterers will seek you out to commit adultery again,
19. Missed blessings.  
20. Inability to fully trust your current spouse or a future spouse to not commit adultery, even if they never would/will.
21. If the adulterer gets divorced, then the adulterer's next relationship will be with someone who will have affairs on the adulterer. 
22. The adulterer will witness and experience the pain of loved ones being victims in areas of sex.  See the chapter of 2 Samuel 13 which is horrible rape of Tamar by Amnon, who is the son of King David, as David removed God protection from aspects of his life as a parent.

• Realization that there is a God of the Scriptures by His actions of not approving such a type of sin that hurts/destroys oneself and others
• Will help the adulterer to not continue or commit it again, and
• Most importantly to seek God for help that leads to a better relationship! 

⁷ It is for chastening that ye endure; God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father chasteneth not? ⁸ But if ye are without chastening, whereof all have been made partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. ⁹ Furthermore, we had the fathers of our flesh to chasten us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? ¹⁰ For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed good to them; but he for our profit, that we may be partakers of his holiness. ¹¹ All chastening seemeth for the present to be not joyous but grievous; yet afterward it yieldeth peaceable fruit unto them that have been exercised thereby, even the fruit of righteousness. ¹² Wherefore lift up the hands that hang down, and the palsied knees; ¹³ and make straight paths for your feet, that that which is lame be not turned out of the way, but rather be healed.

This section of the Adultery topic is dealing with the restitution where too often in the Christian community, adultery is dismissed as simply needing to be stopped and confessed to God for forgiveness.  While confession to God is the first step there is more to deal with adultery because of the far-reaching consequences that adultery sets into motion.  Read this entire section to understand the principles that are different for every adulterous situation.

An "adultery consequences to others" analogy is partially like someone mischievously causing a dam to fail, which then causes a great deal of water to destroy homes and have people drown downstream.  The person who destroyed the dam confesses the mistake, where the person is forgiven, but because of forgiveness and maybe even jail time, this person believes everything is now made good.  This is not the case because of the dam breaking, there will be people helping to clean up the mess, make repairs, replace destroyed homes and assist the families who lost loved ones.  The person who destroyed the dam needs to do more than just confess and feel sorry from a Christian perspective.  All our sins are covered under the Cross, so that we can have entrance into heaven.  We all should know that God never meant the Cross to be a license to be sinful without consequences and being part of solutions to help others.  There are actions to be taken to repair lives, make restitution which is required if possible.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) has the very well-known 12 Step Program to getting sobriety that also applies to other areas, such as adultery.  Many of these steps should be considered by the adulterer, but there is distinct difference when applying some of the principles and actions.  The adulterer's actions are dependent upon:

• Whether or not the victims know about the adultery committed against them.
• Whether or not the victims do not know.
• Whether one victim knows, and the other does not know.
• The severity of the consequences to the victims.

Note that this author is NOT saying that restitution is required for forgiveness from God but that it is part of doing what is correct, worthy and scripturally correct.  See James 2:17 along with the entirety of scriptures to understand that Faith without Works is dead and we all are Saved for a Godly Purpose.

Listed above in this topic are the primary Six Steps that the adulterer must start and accomplish.  Adulterers need to recognize that besides the sin of adultery and harm to others, they have opened a satanic spiritual door into their lives which makes them very acceptable to committing adultery again in the future and have also exposed their own members of the family to satanic influences through this type of sin.  As an example, besides adultery there are three other entry types of sin, that can open a Satanic Stronghold, to the spiritual doors of our houses, are:

• Anything to do with Witchcraft/Tarot Cards/S ances;
• Murder, and
• Cruelty to children.

Many of us have noticed in some families, that they seem to have the same family weaknesses / bad traits passed down from generation to generation.  This door opening to Satanic Influences is a form of Oppression or even Possession that is even sometimes incorrectly thought of as Generational Curses.  The correct understanding is the Satanic Realm's entities are territorial where they prefer to inhabit and control an area.  (See Daniel 11's "Prince of Greece" Reference which refers to a Satanic ruler in the spirit realm and Ephesians 6:12).

In the AA program, there are two steps that should be part of the adulterer's actions after the Six Steps listed at the start of this topic.  Note that this might require professional counseling or your pier group as discussed in Step 2 of the Six Steps for adulterers listed above. 

Consider these points when making restitution to all the victims which can include more people than perceived.  Obviously, the ideas that the adulterer thinks can be good for a restitution process are going to be involved in a very complex problem, which reinforces the point of the severity of what adultery does as a very harmful sin.  When reading these points, the adulterer will need to ask the Holy Spirit to guide themselves so that no more harm will be caused.  Recall from the points made in this topic, that this is done as restitution, healing, going forward in faith and to show yourself and others that you have changed.

• If your spouse does not know about the adultery, then restitution will need to be done secretly and by acts of kindness that are above the normal.
• If the spouse of the other adulterous partner does not know, then restitution should be done secretly without the other victim knowing; and without contact with the other adulterer. 
• If the adultery is known by everyone, then restitution can be done openly and with transparency; and absolutely without contact between the adulterers. The difficulty faced by both the adulterers justifies anything monetarily, if that is a good choice, which can then hurt their own family's financial well-being.  This is a very difficult area and Christian professional counseling, that has expertise in this area, should be used.
• If there is a potential of violence or life threading situations involved because of revenge sought by either of the victims along with anyone else associated, then this means avoiding contact with these people!  As an alternate of restitution, the adulterer should consider charitable volunteering. 

Note that the restitution is up to seven times the damage, Proverbs 6:26-32, for the man who is an adulterer which the Scriptures indicates it can even mean the wealth of everything owned, which is very difficult to calculate and even attempt.  For the repentant woman adulterer, the restitution is more difficult than the man's restitution in this author's opinion, where the scriptures do not give a restitution method.  This author would state that the restitution for both a man and a woman is primarily to God, where volunteering with a worthy charity is a possible alternative and it is discussed shortly in this topic.     

Some may argue that since there are two people involved in the two families, then the restitution from both parties negates the action of each other's restitution.  That is never true when looking at the details as the harm done is always unique and with different degrees of damage. 

In a hypothetical example about a person who steals something valuable from a neighbor, which cannot be returned, replaced or given insurance money, then even though the thief is arrested by the police with jail time, the victim has lost something of value that is gone forever.  The thief, who is truly sorrowful, having spent time in jail, may believe the debt on the loss to the neighbor is paid for by jail time, but in reality, the neighbor's loss was never fixed. 

This author has seen, God take on the debt owed to victims of adultery, and the methods were truly humbling and amazing.  There seems to be never discussion about one aspect of God paying debts, as an adulterer has required God to pay the adulterer's debt, and the adulterer should recognize and love God more for forgiving adultery and paying debts to the victims caused by adultery.

Three Restitution examples:
 

Example 2: In some cases, there can be a monetary restitution that should be considered.  In a case that this author can discuss openly, the victim had a very successful computer consulting business, where he had to cut his client base down while trying to fix the marriage along with raising children.  The financial loss, besides the emotional torment, was substantial.  Eventually, divorce was required, which required giving one half of assets / finances to the adulterous wife, which is like a reward for evil done.  Marriage is a contract between two people, like a business, where adultery is breaking the contract and not fulfilling requirements by one of the parties resulting in the other business partner receiving damages.  Therefore, the summation of the amount of money plus emotional damage is owed by both the adulterous man and woman. 

In this case, the spouse and the adulterer in the other marriage did not have the ability to make a financial restitution.  Those who are not Christians may say that the Divorce Laws handle the problems equably, which is not true in God's view as this is why the scripture penalties are there as a deterrent and to attempt a fair restitution to victims.  Consider a hypothetical situation of an adulterous spouse that is having sex with someone else for many years, ignoring the family, not having sex with the spouse.  Should that adulterous spouse automatically get half of the wealth/assets of the family that was accumulated during the marriage (in a common person's divorce) when there is:

1. No compensation for the victim spouse who was denied sex, attention, love and so much more for possibly many years.
2. No compensation for the permanent lifetime damage psychologically done to the children that has nothing to do with child financial support before age eighteen. 
3. No compensation for the parents of the victim spouse, the victim spouse's friends, and the loss of productivity of the victim spouse at their employment.

Rhetorically, where is the restitution to make up for that loss that the courts handle in these three very important areas?

In the Old Testament Leviticus 20:10 stated that Adultery carried the death penalty but we now live in a new Dispensation by Romans 6:23 which many Biblical Scholars will quote as showing the removal the death penalty part as exemplified in John 8:1-30's adulterous woman passage.  Note that in King David's life (2 Samuel 12:9-15), God forgave David of adultery and murder, which means the death penalty was not always in force even in the Old Testament times.  Malachi 3:6 " For I the LORD do not change; ...", which means God had Leviticus 20:10 as required but still forgivable, and King David showed he was truly sorrowful and repentant.  King David was forgiven but he still had severe consequences which sometimes can be a punishment worse than death. 

In this example 2's case after the divorce, the children stayed with the victim husband, she spent the sizable assets all within four years and had many horrible things happen to her where she tried to get back her ex-husband many times with genuine humility, regret, love and desires.  God ended up restoring the financial loss to the victim husband in the future, which does not exonerate the adultery restitution, in some type of way, of the other two people. 

Adulterers need to understand the cumulative responsibilities repairing the broken lives of the two victims and others if possible.  Proverbs 5:1-6 and Proverbs 6:20-35 (listed above), amongst the warning and consequences, is instructing the adulterer to make restitution if possible so that they will not live unproductive lives for God.  Unproductive is the point made in Proverbs 5:6 and Proverbs 7:32.  These two Proverbs points are similar to the negative aspect of the Foolish Virgins Parable and Parable of Talents in the New Testament who were not prepared for the Master (Jesus Christ) return.  Adultery is a sin first against God then the spouse, children, extended family, friends and even the well-being of places the victim's work. 
 

Many Christian Pastors say that this is an example scripture to show all that is required to remove any problems and consequences is to confess the adultery to God in Jesus Christ's name.  This author does not believe that the adulterous woman passage is an all-encompassing solution for all cases.

The woman of John 8:1-11's situation and the full details, with extent of her sinful deeds of adultery and punishments already endured are not known.  She may have:

• Been forced into adultery for one night as the adulterous man is not present,
• Raped,
• Given no choice in fear of safety of children,
• Acquiesced into sex to settle a debt, and
• Many more situations. 

We all need to understand that God will show mercy and grace in different degrees to whom He desires (Romans 9:18), but God changes not (Malachi 3:6), so we all cannot simply think that grievous sins such as adultery will always be free of consequences.  Remember that God forgave King David, but David still had consequences where is it safe to presume that when we commit adultery then there will be no consequences?

Making a payment or doing a task is not what the Scriptures are trying to point out!  It is about fixing the adulterer's life going forward by actions the adulterer does along with fixing the other lives that are damaged, if it is possible.  Some key points of the two scriptural references for those who are committing adultery and have not stopped or in their conscious would do it again:

1. The woman's fate is to wonder aimlessly but she does not know she is doing it.  See Romans 1:28 which is one of many warnings that also applies to adultery.
2. The man's fate is to be condemned to whatever he does is going to cause destruction, loss to himself.  The modern-day problem is many people think that because they are making money, then they are being blessed by God, but God is given the person over to their own selfish desires.  See Romans 1:28
3. Both genders do not know that their lives, besides the adultery situation, will be going forward in the wrong direction.  They will be making bad decisions, despite the thought that they think that their choices are okay.  They are going to suffer in a variety of ways which include loss of productivity to be living for God and building rewards in heaven.  They do not necessarily recognize and correlate their problems and suffering because of adultery.
4. The payment, for a thief, is compared to the situation of an adulterer who must pay back.  Because the thief was also caught, meant that he was prevented from continuing stealing from the place where he was caught, and payment was expected at that moment.  It will be better for the adulterer to stop, before being exposed, and make restitution before it is required by God so that the restitution can be less stringent / punitive.  Grace and Mercy, will come into a greater affect, when we initiate repentance rather than being forced by corrective action by God who is doing it out of love for us to change!

Using the entirety of scriptures, God is not after penance, jail time or some sort of punishment but rather a change of heart followed by repenting with atonement if it is possible so that we will recognize the Love of God beyond our ability to measure.  The sin of adultery is against God, spouse, children, parents and others.  When all of us, that includes adulterers who repented and are living for Jesus Christ, then our faith will manifest itself with good works.  When God is working through our lives, then we will be happier people!  When we live for Jesus Christ, our lives will be rewarding in amazing ways!

As always Grace and Mercy are in effect, but God is wanting all of us to live accountable lives which means fixing/rectifying all kinds of sins in the past if possible.  Consider the variety of scenarios that we all have most likely seen in adultery:

• The victim spouse may lose a job because of lack of performance because of sleep deprivation while handling the turmoil in the household.
• The victims and the children may spend a great deal of time, up to a lifetime, trying to recover from the emotional pain.

The important part is getting the adulterer right with God and He will lead the adulterer in repairing the broken lives, which might require a great deal of time.  In AA, they tell their members that if restitution is not accepted, then still attempt to do what is possible and then move forward with living in sobriety.  Note, as mentioned above, if there is a potential of violence or life threading situations involved because of revenge sought by a victim then chose another method such as volunteering to replace steps 8 and 9.

There are some additional spiritual warning concerning Satanic Forces that will be coming into the adulterer's life because of the adultery, where they will try to deceive the adulterer in many areas concerning the adultery, such as (1) no one is hurt if they do not know; (2) your spouse should have recognized your needs that were not being met; (3) it was only once or a few times; (4) other people are doing it and your spouse will probably do it in the future where you just did it before the spouse did; (5) you don't even love that person and it was just sex; (6) God will never love you since you did this evil.  Every one of these are lies and untrue.

The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that applies to adulterers also with some caveats:

If the adulterer feels like the comments, points and restitution are too harsh or stringent then there is definite need of Christian Counseling and a greater walk with Jesus Christ.  It is amazing how so many of us have seen the consequences come onto adulterers in their future where unfortunately it is then that many (not all) adulterers finally realize their actions are not trivial or without a great deal of damage to others, when they are on the receiving end of evil done to them.  It is important for the Adulterer to take the time to fix and make restitution to avoid God using a great deal worse consequence to get the adulterer's attention.

If the adulterer's spouse does NOT know about the adultery, then the adultery MUST NOT BE CONFESSED TO THEM as pointed out above in step #3 in the "Six steps to take after or during adultery" section.  The spouse of the adulterer should never be forced to bear the pain, guilt or have questions dealing with what the adulterer has done.  If you are the adulterer, do not put that burden, pain and knowledge on your spouse by telling them what you have done!

For most people who commit adultery, especially if they are a Christian and have the Holy Spirit dwelling in them as described in the scriptures, will eventually feel guilt for adultery. The initial feelings for the adulterer is the desire to be clean and forgiven.   Confession is to God under the Blood of the Cross and to an accountability group, not the spouse.  The adulterer wrongly thinks that the adultery can be fixed, wiped clean and forgiven by confessing to their spouse.

Confessing to the victim spouse does many negative things which are chiefly and generally:

1. Confessing to the spouse, dumps the pain felt by the adulterer onto to the victim's spouse along with additional emotional pain such as being betrayed, abandonment and loss of attention to the family/children.  The victim spouse will have no way to release this pain, except with a great amount of help from God.  Sometimes this pain can be felt for the life of the spouse.  The spouse can feel profoundly hurt, victimized, trespassed against, devalued, trust destroyed, anger, the inability to forgive the adulterer and have the need to always know where the adulterer is going. These are the primary emotions, and the adulterer has magnified their own pain and guilt to be received and carried by their spouse while the adulterer no longer has to "carry" the burden.  The conflict and emotional pains felt by the victim is like the following five analogies:

a) The pain would be the feeling you would get when you came home and found a robber has been coming into your home for a long period of time and stealing prized, personal possessions from you with the knowledge and help of your spouse where the thief is loving every moment of the deception.
b) It would be like you buying a brand-new car, of your dreams, where the deal is final and can't be refunded.  After purchasing, you find out that you have to let someone else drive the car for a year before you take possession of it and this other person knows that they are not responsible for any maintenance or damages.  After finally taking possession of the car after the year, you immediately have to pay for all sorts of maintenance, repair all ding marks, scratched paint, etc.  Every time you get into the car, you feel unclean because another person sat in the driver's seat with no concerns on taking care of your car, which then leads to anger, regrets, feelings of being taking advantage of by the car dealership and abused by the person who used your car for a year.   The car dealership represents your spouse and the person who drove the car for a year is the fellow adulterer.
c) Most victims equate the knowledge of their spouse committing adultery to a feeling of being physically raped over and over again for the rest of their lives.  The reason is an adulterer spouse is an extension of the other victim's spouse's body, Genesis 2:24 and Mark 10:8, where the victim is unable to stop the other adulterer from sexually invading their spouse.  It is a horrible feeling of helplessness.
d) The adulterers are like two employees working to steal from their employer that is costing the employer a great deal of money in an amount that the two thieves could never repay when caught.  The employer is the victim spouses.
e) The best analogy is in 2 Samuel 12 (listed partially above) where Nathan rebukes King David with the story of the stolen lamb

2. The adulterer thinks if they can get their spouse to say "I forgive you" then they will feel free from guilt and the relationship will be healed.  For some adulterers, asking for forgiveness and getting forgiveness by the spouse will actually clear their minds and give them freedom from the guilt.  The common observation is it can also lead to future rationalizations that new affairs will be okay since it only requires asking for forgiveness; or, the adulterer becomes desensitized to adultery where is can be rationalized away as permissible.

Version 1

{the date}

Dear {put their name},

Your spouse has been having an affair for quite some time, where I cannot live with the guilt of not letting you know.  I am not going to tell you my name.  I hope you are able to save your marriage and fix the problems.  I believe there is still love for you and the motives of having the affair are complex but in reality, just selfish.   The adultery is happing {put the place such as work during lunch, after work when everyone leaves, etc.}

Signed,
Anonymous

Version 2

{the date}

Dear {put their name},

Your spouse has been having multiple affairs for quite some time, where I cannot live with the guilt of not letting you know.  I think there is still love for you where you can still save your marriage, but what I know makes me think that no one can have a monogamous marriage with {him/her} 

The adultery is happing {put the place such as work during lunch, after work when everyone leaves, etc.}

Signed,
Anonymous

Every one of us needs to know and feel love during sexual intimacy, where our spouse's tenderness, emotions and ecstasy are cherished privileges.  When anyone of us tries to get these from others, in adultery, then the cherished privileges are being devalued, destroyed and emotionally damaged.  This occurs even if the adultery is not known by the other spouse. 

In the most SUMMARY important point of the warning from the scriptures is understanding that when committing adultery, the Christian Adulterer is forcing God that indwells the Christian to be a witnessing participant in sexual relations with another person that involves an oppression or possession of a Satanic Fallen Angel or Demon!  While our carnal natures ultimately are responsible for sins, the sin of adultery always involves the Satanic Realm participation in the views of Biblical Scholars.

As an analogy, that is not strong enough, would be a hypothetical situation where a person breaks into a home, ties up a spouse, and then has sex with the other spouse while the tied-up spouse is forced to watch.  Also, God informs us in Matthew 25:40, that all things done are done unto God.  Jesus Christ explained the union of two people becoming one flesh which is also a parallel axiom to understanding adultery forces unwilling others (God and the other spouse) to become victim participants. 

(Future Eternity of water coming from the Throne of God.  God is our Rock of Salvation.)

Jesus Speaking

26 Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell and great was its fall.

Everything done through faith that:

1. Developed our relationship with God during our life,
2. Activities in God's Service,
3. Faithfulness to the guidance of the Holy Spirit,
4. Righteously suffering, and
5. Overcoming sinful areas and obstacles in life through the Holy Spirit.

will contribute to rewards in Heaven.