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Second Chances in Love

In the hopes of helping those of you who are not married or a widower, and wondering if they should try to reconnect with the Love of Your Life from your early years of adulthood, then hopefully this true story will inspire you.

Background

One of my best friends, Daniel that I met in college, came to the United States at 12 years old from Taiwan.  He is the son of a Taiwanese Diplomat and was sent here to live with his older sister, Linda, while his parents were often moving to different Consulate Houses throughout the world. 

Daniel's mom, Wencheng, had an arranged marriage with Daniel's father, Qiang.  Wencheng was 21 years old when she married Daniel's father Qiang.  The problem for Wencheng was she was in a relationship with another man named Ju-long. 

Wencheng's parents ended their daughter's relationship with Ju-long so that Wencheng could marry Qiang.  The parents believed Wencheng would have a better life being married to a promising young diplomat Qiang. 

Ju-long had met Wencheng when she was around 17 years old and was dating Wencheng for roughly four years before their relationship had its abrupt ending.  Ju-long had hoped to marry Wencheng, but this would not happen because of the intervention by Wencheng's parents.

Years later

Daniel's father, Qiang, had retired from the Diplomat Service when Qiang and Wencheng then moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico to be near their oldest daughter Linda who was married and pregnant. 

Qiang was roughly 10 years older than Wencheng.  A few years after the move to Albuquerque, at the age of 65, Qiang died after a long battle with cancer, leaving Wencheng a widower at the age of 55. 

I met Wencheng several times and enjoyed getting to know a little about her.  I remember talking with Daniel about ideas for her to get involved in volunteering and taking up new hobbies to stay active.  Wencheng, when I met her was helping out with her only grandchild of Linda and Linda's husband.  I thought that was great but she still needed to get involved in other activities. Wencheng seemed to be very happy to be able to enjoy the time as a grandmother and she also had a few other close friends that she made after moving to the United States.

For roughly 20 years, Wencheng, lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico enjoying a nice life in the beautiful city when she got a phone call from someone, she had not heard from since she was 21 years old!

At 75 Years old

Wencheng was 75 years old when she got a phone call from a man living in Seattle, Washington.  The man had recently become a widower after being married for nearly 50 years. The man had moved with his wife to Seattle, Washington in his late twenties from Taiwan to start a new job and raise a family.  Like Wencheng, his children were all living on their own where the man knew he had to find a woman he had not talked to since she was 21 years old.  The woman he had not spoken with was Wencheng.  The man's name was Ju-long where he was now going by the name of Peter.

Wencheng, could not believe she was taking with Peter and their first conversation lasted for several hours on the phone.  Over a two-week period, both Wencheng and Peter talked on the phone for hours when Peter bought Wencheng a plane ticket to come up to Seattle, Washington for them to see one another face to face.  Wencheng, called Daniel on the phone to tell him about what had happened.  Daniel then called me to tell me.  Daniel had mixed emotions on the pending meeting of his mother and Peter.  Daniel said he was in complete shock and didn't know what to do because he was both excited and worried for his mother.

A few months later, Wencheng flew up to meet with Peter and they realized they still had the same love that they had when they were young.  They made plans and quickly married. 

8 Years Has Gone By

It has been almost 8 years now where Wencheng is living now in Seattle, Washington with her love from the time she was 21 years old.   Daniel has told me that they are very happy together and he could not have asked for a nicer man to come into his mother's life.  Approximately sixty-two years and a love was never lost!

Advice To Rekindle an Old Relationship

Caveat to this section is there is never to be in any contact with a married person from your past that you had a relationship with the intention of renewing the relationship as that is the starting point of adultery.  It is adultery, even when there is no physical contact because the intent is reconciliation with someone who is married and even simple conversation will be discussing areas in your lives that are only for a person's spouse.  Make sure you know that God has confirmed your desire and there are no delusions.  If God is behind your reconciliation, and not your emotions, then God will be there to guide you. 

There is not an exact recipe that will bring back the Love of your Life, but there are techniques.  This author does not know what techniques were used by Peter and because of their age and distance, they did the initial steps by phone as there was no other choice.

If you were the person who ended the relationship but realized it was the love of your life, then these are some suggested steps:

1. Do not contact the other person with the intent to discuss your old relationship via email, phone or mail.  An email, phone call or even a letter is with the purpose of asking for a face-to-face meeting.  Ten, twenty, thirty plus years can have gone by and you can use any idea of reasoning to tell the other person such as
   "I know it has been "x" years but I have never had closure with us and feel like I need it and want you to hear a few things.  I know that we must meet in person or not talk at all.  When we meet in person, we will be able to see each other's body language, more clearly hear each other's tone of voice and also recognize sincerity better.  I want us to be able to not have any negative feelings, regrets and be sad for the remainder of our lives for the things that I have done to us.  I am a changed person and this is part of fixing the past."
2. Meet at park, inexpensive restaurant or even at a small coffee shop.  There must be privacy with the knowledge that there might be some negative along with positive emotions being expressed that is not for public consumption along without distractions.   The fact that they will meet you is a very positive sign that they are open to possibilities of a rekindling relationship.
3. You must explain how deeply regretful you are for things done wrong which you have felt a pain for all of the years afterwards.  Let the other person then say anything they felt needed to be said which will most likely involve more apologies along with explanations on how you have changed.
4. Depending upon your status in life and age, you must be prepared to prove and say the correct message if you are recognizing the love is still there between you two.  A suggestion response after all of the negativity of the breakup is discussed can be something like
   "I am glad we are talking because I want you to know that you are the "Love of My Life" where I want to do anything and everything to win you back so that we can be together for the rest of our lives.  I am hoping you will give me the chance to prove to you that I am a changed person, trustworthy and can be the person you always thought I was and so much more."
5. If the other person agrees and the two of you are going to move forward, then no matter how tempting and desirable, the two of you need to agree on some steps to take where nothing is left to chance, circumstances and inadvertent emotional decisions.  Because there was the break up in the past, the two of you must actually plan out everything for seeing one another, going forward, and when there will be an engagement, announcement and marriage.  Note that it if infidelity was a cause of the breakup, then there is going to be some trust issues to overcome and you must have ways to discuss why it can never happen again.

If you were the person who had a relationship ended by the other person, which you feel was the love of your life and want to contact the other person, then the steps above are basically the same.  The difference is you should guard yourself from emotional heartache by explaining in Step 3 that you are meeting with the hope to hear more from the other person on what went wrong.  If the person is meeting you then this is a positive sign of the desire for that person to also reconcile.  The steps 4 and 5 are exactly the same and you need to realize that if you do not take the initiative and chances on meeting then you will never know if there was a possibility to get back together again.  The other person, who ended the relationship, may have thought in their mind that because of what they did then there could never be reconciliation so your actions are possibly the only hope / solution.

Jesus Christ is the Love of Your Life

• If you have not taken the time to get to know Jesus Christ, then you are just a moment away in prayer to change your life.
• If you have been pursuing the wrong treasures in life that involved relationships and then a marriage with someone that you should not have been with, then ask for God's help to change your marriage into one that has God's blessings that will give you both happiness.
  (a) When we make a commitment in a relationship then no matter what belief, that often involves human emotions that replaced God's guidance, then we need to honor the commitment.  
  (b) In the Old Testament, when Israel is tricked into a peace treaty with the Gibeon tribe, Joshua Chapter 9, which God had instructed to wipe out, God had Joshua keep the agreement since it was made. 

Jesus Christ is the central person of our life on Earth and Eternity.  We will be in awe, thankfulness, fullness and love with Him, God the Father and God the Holy Spirit for all things that we will have in eternity, and God's guidance in our lives now.

Wisdom When NOT Re-Starting an Old Love Relationship

For the Christian, and those that God is using circumstances to have a message for us, will have God often uses an encounter with someone from our past.  Also, God may have a message from a common friend or acquaintance given to us regarding someone from our past.  Rabbis have an expression regarding such an occurrence: "coincidence is not a kosher word", which means there is no such thing as coincidence as God ordains all encounters.

Two examples, of many events, that illustrate God is in our lives, and may have us encounter people from our past.

1. In the early 1990s, one of my College Fraternity brothers James B. (college years early 1980s) was in Honolulu, Hawaii with his wife and he had his wallet stolen. This was before everyone carried and used mobile phones.  While walking down the street wondering what he was going to do, in a state of panic, an unexpected thing happened.   Another of our mutual College Fraternity brothers James S., who lived in Honolulu, was driving down the street and saw James B where he pulled the car over to just say hello, not knowing he was about to rescue James B and his wife.  Rhetorically, there is no explanation other than God intervening in the timing of the events.
2. In April of 2022, while jogging, a thought came into my mind where I wondered if two of my childhood friend's parents were still alive.  I hadn't seen or talked to my two childhood friends, Barry and David, in almost 40 years.  I saw Barry and David's father' Charlie at a hardware store that Charlie worked at around 15 years ago, where Charlie was about 75 years old.  Having both of my parents already passed, I just wondered if Charlie and his wife Ruth were still living.  Two days later, my uncle Rodney calls me up to say hello and asked me if I remembered some neighbors of mine, when I was very young, named Barry and David with their parents Charlie and Ruth?   My uncle Rodney went onto say he just met Charlie and Ruth while playing a card game called "Bridge" at a senior community center.  Uncle Rodney wanted to tell me they said hello and wanted me to know they are doing great and Charlie is still working part time at the hardware store where I last saw Charlie.  Rhetorically, there is no explanation other than God intervening in the timing of events to answer a question I had that came into my mind.

There is the potential that many people might run into a love of their life, after many years have gone by, at some point in their life.  An occurrence like this can show us we live in a "small world" where "coincidences" are arranged by God.  There is popular semi-science theory that all of us are separated by six people in life, which means every person on the planet is connected by fewer than six other people in social connections.  

The purpose that God has for you, when encountering a love from your past, may be:

• To give you peace about the old relationship, and/or
• To give you a chance to say apologies, and/or
• To give you understanding that God did not intend the relationship to continue, and/or
• To have you understand that God would like you to resume the relationship, and/or
• To have the other person understand that God has been in your life in remarkable ways that is a witness of God's great love that has been working in your life that will be a witness to the other person.

When considering the last of the five points (highlighted in yellow), knowing God does not intend you to be in a relationship with the person of your past, then you should not say anything negative to the other person.  Bringing up old emotional wounds is a natural tendency when emotions are involved along with possibly making oneself vulnerable and experience hurt feelings again from love lost in the past. 

Unfortunately, the problem when meeting a person greatly loved in the past, is the other person's desire can be to only try to find any and all things negative about you so that this person can feel the best thing happened by not being in your life. 

Another old expression is "the best revenge against people is living your life to the fullest and not letting anyone who hurt you in the past have any influence on you."  Therefore, if God has ordained that you should meet:

1. Just be very attentive to listen, letting the other person say anything they would like to say while letting them say everything without interruption.
2. Only say pleasant things, and do not respond in a defensive mode against negative comments by the other person.
3. If a negative comment is made by the other person that requires you to have a response:
   (a) "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I'm sorry to have hurt you, please forgive me."  or
   (b) "I'm sorry you think that, but it isn't true."   (don't let the person force you to elaborate)
4. It is absolutely important to not be understood by the other person as someone who is trying to have a victory or force an emotion of pain from you on them.
5. When God is involved in a meeting with a person whom you loved in your past, then think and ask God in your inner voice, what is the purpose with the prayer to God to guide the words and actions for God's goals and not yours.

What to read next?

Marriage and the needs of the man and woman.  Going through a tough time in your relationship, read Divorce & Relational breakups.