Purpose

• The person who is trying to recover a marriage or a committed relationship.
• The person who is experiencing a break-up or divorce that was not initiated by them.
• The Divorce or Breakup is required because the other spouse is:

  (a)	committing adultery / having an affair,	(e)	child, family and parental endangerment,
  (b)	violence of any kind,	(f)	substance abuses,
  (c)	physical and mental intimidation,	(g)	intentional failure to provide financially, or
  (d)	sexual deviant behaviors,	(h)	abandonment of spouse and family.

  Most Christians are aware of the infidelity scriptures for divorce, but are not aware of the other areas that the Word of God allows for a divorce. 

Note that:

• Being in a committed non-married relationship is the same as being married in God's view when the couple agreed to be with one another for the rest of their lives. 
• Being in a committed relationship, where marriage plans were never discussed, is still a commitment that is governed like a marriage in God's view. 

Some people may disagree because there is no paperwork, but even in secular civil laws, there is a name for this type of relationship which is known as a common-law marriage or "sui iuris marriage".

If someone is involved in any of the list of 8 items above, then they should get help immediately.  Absolutely nothing exonerates any of this type of actions or reconciles it. 

This topic is written as a general help and does not replace the potential need of legal assistance or counseling.  Most of this topic is dealing with the problems dealing with infidelity, because it is one of the most difficult circumstances to handle in a relationship, which requires Godly Wisdom.  The other most common areas are addictions that hurt a family such as alcoholism, drug use, mental and physical abuse. 

Adultery, alcoholism, drug addiction and even casual usage, mental abuse, and physical abuse against a spouse all have similar and ongoing damage done that is often extremely painful to the spouse along with children. 

Some general points regarding this topic:

1. This topic was written because there is not only a lack of helpful information but also so much bad information.  
2. This topic will focus mostly on adultery and affairs.   The ramifications for a relationship suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, mental abuse, and physical abuse are similar.
3. This topic uses adultery and affair interchangeably and the reader should understand that they are exactly the same sin, but there are other sins, mentioned above, that permit and also can allow a divorce to be righteous in God's view.
4. Men and women are created by God to react to a spouse's addictions in adultery, alcohol, drugs and abuse differently.
   (a) Victim men will try to solve the problem as men are often predisposed to thinking there is a logical approach to fixing everything.
   (b) Victim women will try to find an alternative option in staying in a relationship because emotionally they are predisposed to find security and sanctuary.

• The Seventh Commandment states to not commit adultery.
• Mathew 5:31 deals with infidelity
• 1 Corinthians 7 deals with Marriage matters in keeping the marriage healthy

But there are more Scriptural references to allow getting a Divorce and breaking up a Relationship.  In one great article from the Christian Research website, there are four purposes of Marriage:

• Spiritual partnership and mutual edification - Gen. 2:18 25; Eph. 5:22 33; 1 Pet. 3:1 7
• Procreation Gen. - 1:26 28
• Spiritual Intimacy and Sex - Gen. 1:18 25
• Protection against sinning in the areas of lust and sex - Prov. 5:15 23; 1 Cor. 7:1 9; 1 Thess. 4:1 12

This author has personally seen wonderful blessing occur for many Christians that were victims when they waited on God.  There are many scriptures, like the five shown next that are very important scripture for understanding the responsibilities for:

1. Not seeking revenge in our lives.
2. Receiving blessings for waiting on God, that can involve righteously suffering.

We all are never going to be the perfect partner in a relationship.  There is no one that will be perfect in all areas, but we should be growing and maturing in our relationships along with improving ourselves to be the best we can be at all ages. 

Going through a break-up or divorce is an opportunity to improve ourselves and make ourselves better.  There are parallels symptoms and causes for adulterers, alcoholics, drug addicts and abusers that once a person become one of them then it is extremely difficult to fix.  This writer, who is not an alcoholic but attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings is a support role, have heard the numerous accounts of the struggles that alcoholics have to contend with where a paid clinical councilor told me in private that she has never met an alcoholic who did not eventually succumb to the urge even after many, many years of sobriety.   The councilor then said that the person, who succumbed, would eventually go back to sustained period sobriety.

All four areas, have commonalities in the response required by a victim spouse when a point is reached that requires a divorce and relational breakup.

Using the example of Adultery, that is similar for the victim in the other areas desire to know if there is remorse:

A strange comment from an unbelieving Psychiatrist to this author, concerning adultery, is "Affairs can fix a marriage as well as destroy it."   

• There "might" be a small bit of truth in it for the victim because we all should be striving to perfect our relationship with God and each other.  An affair may expose or potentially show areas in the victim's life, appearance, attitude or intimacy that can be improved.
• The untrue part of this comment is the victim, if the affair is known, is forced to carry the burden of pain and knowledge of an affair against them.  This has been shown to eventually destroy a marriage even if the victim forgives.  More on this later.

While the person who had an affair, may and should feel guilty, the evidence reported in many books and confessions by adulterers to this author is:

1. While an affair is going on, the adulterer will rationalize many reasons and justifications for continuing where this will overcome guilt.
2. When the affair has recently ended, the adulterer for a period of time, will usually not feel any remorse but can have confused thoughts on whether or not the affair was worth the time along with possible future consequences.
3. After time has gone by, even if the adulterer does not love their spouse, then most adulterers will eventually feel guilt and want to clear their conscience and be forgiven.  This is not the type of remorse that the victim is desiring because the adulterer just wants their victim to accept their apology and get forgiveness.
4. Psychology states that a person will not be able to sustain guilt or remorse for any type of wrong done to another human being because this takes energy which requires a catalyst to keep the guilt or remorse active.  The different types of wrong catalysts for creating remorse in an adulterer are:
   (a) If the victim leaves the adulterer and the adulterer wants the victim back in a relationship with them.
   (b) If the adulterer is facing consequences from children, parents, friends and even a job.
   (c) If the adulterer is near death and fears a judgment from God.
   (d) If the adulterer is suffering consequences from God that the adulterer knows they are consequences from adultery.
   These are still not the type of remorse that a victim is initially desiring.
5. The closer the Christian adulterer gets to emulating, comprehending and desiring the love for Jesus Christ and His teaching, then remorse for adultery and any sins that we all commit against others will cause grief, sympathy, empathy, concern and embarrassment.  This is the type of remorse that most victims, initially desire.  Conversely, as Christians mature, they will feel joy when others are happy, and especially when they make someone else happy in a Christian way.

For more information on the thoughts of an Adulterer and consequences of adultery, there is a more detailed explanation in the Adultery, Cheating & Affairs topic.

In a marriage, we all should continue to the end to find ways to improve ourselves which reinforces the reasons why our spouse fell in love with us in the first place.  Staying in shape, being attentive, regular sexual intimacy, security, integrity and of course friendship are absolute tenants to a marriage.  For more information, read this topic on roles in a relationship.

Victims of broken relationships and marriages that were caused by their spouse committing adultery need to recognize attributes of people they meet so that they do not get into the same sort of situation again.  Research has shown that many adulterers often have one or more of the following:

1. Higher than normal levels of selfishness / self-centeredness / narcissism,
2. Inflated ego,
3. Prideful,
4. Greediness,
5. Desires for sexual conquest,
6. Lack of self-esteem,
7. Demonic activity/influences in their lives,
8. Pornography,
9. Psychological disorders such as narcissism, and/or
10. Possible sexual problems from childhood/parents. 

It is therefore very important to learn to distinguish people with specific types of problems that always cause them to sabotage their commitments and lives.

When looking to God and what happens to the victims of a Divorce and relational breakup, evidence through observation over decades of years of seeing it first-hand along with Therapists writing about it in books, are reporting the same thing, is God will use this to bless you in ways you would not have imagined.  The only contingency is you draw closer to God in Faith and Trust while not seeking revenge.  Revenge is for God only - Romans 12:19.  Take note of these points of many:

• The victim is blessed in all or almost all areas of their lives. 
• The unfaithful person in the relationship will reap many negative consequences (up to seven times worse based on scriptures) that negates anything of pleasure that was gained from the unfaithfulness.  In other words, the numerous penalties will offset the pleasures.  In King David's example in the scripture, some of his consequences were lifelong.  God gave Grace and Mercy to King David because he was forgiven, loved by God but King David still reaped consequences.  Therefore, rhetorically, why would any of us think that people who are unfaithful will not have any repercussions / consequences?  God will often show the victim the consequences of the unfaithful partner for positive reasons.
• Christian Children of the failed relationship are given blessings to make up for the loss and sufferings of a family destroyed or having problems because of unfaithfulness.
• The victim will end up with a better future partner if a new relationship is desired.
• The unfaithful spouse who caused the divorce, in many cases, will often want the relationship restored after time has gone by.  This is not necessarily good and does not mean you should be reconciled.  The point is the victory given to the victim may contain this knowledge that your unfaithful spouse regrets the divorce causing actions.

Book choice 

One of the best books to read is "Love must be Tough" by Dr James Dobson.  It is a must read for anyone suffering and not knowing what to do when facing a break-up of a relationship, potential divorce or even after the divorce.

The first thing to realize that even if you believe that God does not want the divorce, that doesn't mean God is going to intervene against another person's sovereign will in their life.  In other words, God gave us free will to choose Him and God does not change anyone's mind based on another's desires/wants. 

We do know that God allows delusion and hardening of the heart as consequences to

1. Rejecting His ways, 
2. Following Satanic influences, or
3. Simply sinning because of our selfish and carnal nature. 

There are many examples in the scriptures such as Pharaoh's heart being harden during the liberation of Israel in Egypt by Moses.  Some other scriptural references:

The scriptures dealing with God hating divorce are often used to justify a person to stay in a broken, abusive or threatening relationship.  This statement is controversial but when considering the Scriptural references at the start of this topic, the reader needs to know that God does list these for the purpose of the victim leaving the already broken commitment.  As stated above in this topic, acts of adultery, violence, physical intimidation, sexual exploitation/deviance, child endangerment or drug/alcohol abuses, intentional failure to financially provide for the family, long unexplained absences from the family are all forms of unfaithfulness where this is scriptural grounds to leave a broken commitment and not be a continued victim.  

In researching this topic, there are the other victims of the divorce and they can be the Children, Parents, Friends, Coworkers and of course the Body of Christ (the Church).  It almost goes without saying that God intended the family to represent the relationship we have with Him and that is why there is so many scriptures that use the family as examples of the relationship we have with God.  Those who are acting against their relationship are not just damaging their spouse but many, many others and primarily their relationship with God who everyone needs for our sustaining walk in this world.  It is this author's opinion that the over whelming percentage of Christians do not understand one of the major roles of the Holy Spirit is as a restrainer of evil happening to Christians where adultery and cheating can jeopardize this protection.

As just pointed out Adultery and Cheating is primarily a sin against God and not just the spouse and others.  Read Matthew 25:40:

Sadly, we have all heard well-meaning Christian and even non-Christian radio and TV talk shows give the same advice to those who are hurting and wanting direction on what to do.  Often the advice is wrong and even makes the situation worse!  Some common wrong advice given is

• "I will pray, for you and the other person in your relationship, so God will intervene and heal your marriage or relationship."  Sounds great but God does not use mind control on His children to make them change their minds.  He does discipline us with the intention to make us better, stop doing wrong and to love Him.  An analogy is a good parent stops their child from putting their hand in the fire because the child does not understand the consequences.
• "I will give you some scriptures to stand on against the Satanic Forces who are destroying your marriage or relationship."  This sounds great but the problem is not necessarily with you as it is with the other person in your relationship.  The other person in your relationship is the one who needs to be standing against the Satanic Influences or their own selfishness, actions or bad decisions.
• "You need to show your love to him/her so that no one else could compare to you."  This will be perceived potentially as smothering along with demeaning in the eyes of the other person in your marriage or relationship.
• "You need to ask him/her what is wrong and fix it."  Partially a possibility of being correct but this is most likely too late after the other person is leaving the relationship.
• "You need to make sure you are around him/her as much as possible."  This will be perceived potentially as smothering which will push the other person away.
• "You need to call his/her parents, friends and work to have them talk to him/her about why they are making a mistake."  This will most likely embarrass and make the the other person angry which pushes the spouses away faster or solidify their resolve to end the marriage / relationship.
• "You need to let him/her know how angry you are with them for doing this."  This has the same effect as the results in the bullet item above this one.

This applies:

• If you are still in your relationship or marriage.
• If is the adulterer is
  (a) Leaving.
  (b) Telling you that they no longer want to be with you.

The following actions must be done if you want

• To have the potential of saving the relationship, or
• To leave the relationship and have a victory in the destroyed relationship, or
• To be stronger and secure in future relationships.

These steps will give you your confidence back which will help you in the current or in a future relationship.  They are not going to be easy to say or do when you are in emotional pain.

• A great deal of divorces are caused because of infidelity and desires to be with someone else which has nothing to do with you.  We all have seen couples where one person leaves the other for someone else, they work with or have daily contact with which has developed.
• Generally speaking, men have affairs for sex based on lust.
• Generally speaking, a woman's motivation for an affair in the years before age 50, is often with the belief that they can get a better male provider that will provide financial security or they may be trying to get emotional and/or financial security so that they can leave their current relationship.  Note that sometimes a woman will have an affair because of fear of losing a job where a male boss is using his position to leverage a woman to acquiesce into sexual actions.
• Furthermore, concerning women, generally speaking, In the years before 50, an affair for a woman tends to be emotional with sexual intimacy.  After age 50, the woman will often have an affair for sexual desires that have increased because of age.
• Statistically, people who have affairs once will always be tempted to have future affairs for the rest of their lives.  They may end up only being emotional versus physical but something seems to change in the adulterer that makes them susceptible to future temptations if only in their imagination which is difficult not to act out in reality.  This author believes it is something to do with the damaging of the Spirit Man inside of us which is a spiritual wound that takes a great deal of healing by God.  The Satanic realm knows about this weakness so it will be exploited.  Think about it in a military analogy that the enemy will always try to attack where the battle lines are weakest.
• Many Councilors have noted that an average affair is about 1.5 to 2 years because that is how long it takes for the person to get bored of the 'things' that brought them together along with the point that guilt or distrust will destroy the affair.
• Many Councilors have also noted that people who have affairs will have to overcome their own negative thought process which leads them to think that
  (a) because they had an affair then they think wrongly that it is very common and therefore it is okay,
  (b) wrongly think their spouse has already had an affair,
  (c) wrongly think that their spouse will eventually have an affair. 
  This contributes towards many other problems in a relationship that is trying to be healed.
• God made us to be resistant to things that can hurt us, so the victim can recover from their spouse's adultery.  The book of Proverbs has many scriptures that point to the person who gives into specific temptations will often become enslaved to them, which is why King David asked for a new Heart and not for God to repair his current one (Psalm 51:10).
• Marriages and relationships are healable after an affair but the statistics are overwhelmingly stacked against it, based on information from many counseling books on reconciliation.  This does NOT mean you should not try to reconcile a marriage or relationship BUT you have to make sure you know God is in it and not your emotions.
• One of the counterintuitive points on reconciliation made by many councilors, is a good and attractive personality of the victim can sometimes become a contributing factor for the adulterer to continue in adultery.  Note that this does not mean the good and attractive victim should change.  As an example of this negative tendency, is the adulterer may want their spouse to be someone who exhibits the excitement in participating in a clandestine rendezvous where the thrill of possibly being caught/seen/jailed will contribute to a greater passion and ecstasy in a sexual sense.  The good spouse does not have that desire and obviously should not change for anything immoral or criminal.
• The overlooked and misunderstood view of the victim is the infidelity in their spouse is caused because they are not a Christian and that is not necessarily the case.  The adulterer can still love God but simply has chosen to do so with wrongful rationalizations such as "God wants me to be happy" or "Jesus Christ died for all of our sins so this will be covered underneath the Blood".  

Two additional VERY IMPORTANT view points by this author:

1. Sometimes God uses horrible experiences to prepare and force us to be ready and get something much better. 
   
   (a) As a first example, this author has had two bad experiences with jobs, where God was using a situation to actually protect me and have me leave for much better employment and then to allow judgment against the person/people doing wrong. 
   
   (b) As a second example, this author had a college relationship that ended by my fiance' having an affair with a tour guide in Europe while on a college group student vacation after graduation, that I didn't go on because I was still in college and attending classes.  She also had a few others before this event that I learned about afterwards.  God used this very painful experience to actually bless me in incredible ways, and it also prepared for me for more difficult experiences that happened 20 year later.  The college bad experience taught me:
   (b.1) How to handle a marriage that went bad after 15 years because of alcoholism and adultery by my wife, where if I had not have had the college experience, I would not have known what to do.  The evil done by fiance' in college was part of what got me to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior and then the reading of books on Adultery and marriage, where I have had the privilege/blessing of helping many others that were going through similar circumstances.
   (b.2) The adultery by my fiance' in college firmly strengthened my spiritual and personal character of the evil of committing adultery.  I mention this because in life we all will be tempted in many areas, where it is a blessing to have God prepare you to never fall into many traps that can cause many punitive consequences.  Note that if you are reading this and have committed adultery, God absolutely loves you, forgives and wants you to never do this again so that you can have all the success and blessing in this life along with rewards earned in eternity.
   (b.3) Had me recognize attributes about my wife that mirrored my fiance' so that I knew what problems I would be facing.  I eventually had to divorce my wife because she wouldn't change.  Note that it has been 7 years and my ex-wife has had horrible penalties from her adultery in her life and desperately wants me back as her husband.  Note that I am now remarried to an awesome woman.
   
   (c) As a third observation example, God will judge a bad spouse, who can be a Christian not acting as they should.  The full judgment may not happen immediately, but enough problems can occur to force the victim good spouse to leave the marriage.  If the sin is adultery and the adultery had not of happened, then the faithful spouse would have never left the sinful marriage.  The judgment against the adulterer, is often two-fold where God:
   (c.1) has them lose a faithful spouse, and
   (c.2) the adulterer is often given to the other adulterer.
    
   * We often forget that the Holy Spirit witnesses to us and protects us continuously to stop us from doing wrong and being harmed.  If anyone of us decides to not be a good spouse in our relationship, then God may use this to allow consequences that will bring a person back to righteous behavior that may still have a negative cost.  
    
2. When a victim of an affair, decides to stay in their marriage, there is often one paramount problem that is almost impossible to overcome:
   (a) The victim can often develop anger issues after a period of time that will lead to them ending the relationship.
   (b) With variance of reasons and feelings, the victim has forgiven their spouse but cannot get past the anger of being betrayed, even when the victim still loves the adulterer.  The victim may not have a way to explain the problem where it is often the realization that being around the adulterer always reminds them of betrayal and then this causes anger** that is difficult or impossible to release even if forgiveness has truly happened. 
   
   ** This explains why adulterers do not necessarily understand why their ex-spouse refuses to even be in the same room with them after decades have transpired.  The victim has learned to recognize that the adulterer's presence can trigger anger or hatred that they do not want to experience again so it is better to just stay away from the adulterer to have peace (from remembering) in their life.

• Someone who is a Believer and is walking in the path of greater understanding and faith in God.  This is a life journey for all of us.
• Exemplifies loyalty to God, parents, family, friendships and their employer.
• Someone who has never had an affair.  Note that this means in marriage and also not had an affair in a relationship prior to marriage.
• Someone who has never broke up a relationship without a valid cause.
• Someone who did not have parents who had affairs and also did not hide things from their spouse. 

There is no one who walked this earth other than Jesus the Christ who has not sinned in their thoughts and deeds but there is a significant difference when dealing with acted out infidelity when in a committed relationship.  Personally, the author of this topic at 59 years of age:

• Knows of only one marriage healed after infidelity where the adulterous spouse appears to never committed adultery again.
• Three marriages that have infidelity by a person in the past, which was forgiven, but the adulterer committed adultery additional times.  In other words, the infidelity continued.
• Knowledge of many marriages that came back together, after divorce caused by infidelity, failed on the second attempt because the infidelity kept reoccurring.

Some Pastors and Councilors often only use the fidelity scripture (Matthew 5:31-32) to justify divorce ignoring other scriptures about the marriage covenant being broken as listed at the beginning of this topic.  They will sometimes condemn Believers for not having a Biblical divorce and say things such as "you are now living in sin with your new spouse", which often makes people leave a Faith in God because they felt they are no longer loved by God.  Mathew 5:31-32 does stand alone and should be consider along other marriage scriptures. 

This author heard a nationally recognized Christian Evangelist, on a Satellite Christian Radio program, give the wrongful advice for someone remarried after divorcing to do the following:  

1. To divorce the current spouse,  
2. Have children stay with one of the biological parents,
3. Remarry a previous spouse. 

It was difficult to listen to the well-meaning person without being angry knowing he was absolutely wrong.  Consider these points of many:

• With so many "what if" situations, is there a definitive solution for all cases when spiritual damage can happen to all involved including the children of the newer marriage?  "No", there is no absolute fix for all situations.
• When Jesus Christ spoke to the woman at the well who had 5 previous husbands (John 4:15-18), did Jesus Christ instruct her go find the first husband and remarry him?  "No". 
• When Jesus spoke to the woman caught in adultery, He forgive her and notice that there is no mention of the adulterous man, which can possibly mean he was not there at the time or he was part of the Sanhedrin.  (The conjecture of the Sanhedrin is mentioned because they were the group trying to trick Jesus Christ into slandering God when the adulterous woman was brought to Him.)
• There are scriptures such as 1 Corinthian 7, which state that when two Believers divorce for non-Biblical reasons then they must remain single for their lives because any future relationships would be adulterous.  We must understand that absolutely no one knows if someone else is a true Believer even if he or she states they are a Believer, so this puts a shadow of complexity in dealing with divorce and remarriage.  Always remember there is Mercy and Grace because of the Cross!
• God knows our hearts and we must fix things if they are fixable and when they are not then confessing the sin to God and move forward doing the right thing to give glory to God. 

Prepare You Mind for Victory

The goal of the items 1 through 6 in the "What to do now in order of importance" section, is to make your spouse see you as a positive person who is going places and is in control of their life.  We are all attracted to people who are successful, confident and going places.  By doing items 1 through 6, you are going to confuse and intrigue the spouse who is leaving or has left.  This is the only leverage you have to fixing your relationship along with having a stronger relationship in the future with that person or someone else. 

These items, 1 through 6, are counter intuitive.  They are designed to have you leave the relationship mentally.  Additionally, if possible, you should be leaving physically and do not share the same living accommodations.  The effect of this is often to actually pull the person back to you, which none-the-less may not be desired.  When you cling to a person who is leaving or left a relationship, then it pushes them away faster.  If the victim leaves, it often pulls the adulterer towards the victim as noted in decades of counseling described in the book "Love must be Tough" by Dr James Dobson.

Additionally, in a relationship when there is hurt with verbal negative comments and negative actions against you, then there might be the desire to retaliate where moving away from the relationship can potentially stop you from acting out in revenge.

The goal, when there are problems in a relationship, is to fix it and not make it worse by applying simple rules on conflict problem solving.  The list of 1 through 6 is what you must do when the marriage or relationship is at the breaking point or has already been broken.

The bottom line is we all are attracted to people who are successful, confident and going places so you must act and look like this is the case.  If your relationship is not fixable then doing items 1 through 6 will give you a small victory moving forward in life.  In other words, you will have left knowing you did not let the situation show it had any victory on you by your ex-spouse.  Remember, as pointed out above, God is going to bless the Christian who is a victim who trust God to help them.

Also do not forget that God will absolutely repay ALL adultery and cheating with up to seven times the negative consequences.  Take solace in knowing that God will not leave an adulterer unpunished which should offset any emotional desire to have your ex-spouse understand the pain they caused.  Recall that we all need to forgive, forget and move on knowing the list of items in the "You, the Victim, are about to be Blessed" section of this topic.  This author, personally has seen (in a shockingly way) numerous adulterers receive very painful consequences for their adultery where it was very obvious what they received was because of what they did.

There are wonderful cases, seen on Christian Ministry TV Shows, where marriages have been restored after divorce where both the man and woman accepted Christ as their personal Savior and then God restored the broken marriages. 

In the case where both the man and woman both have Salvation, and then still divorced, the following scripture should be kept in mind.  As always, Grace and Mercy abounds from God and additionally we are living in the Church Age which is a different Dispensation so God allows us to do many things that were not an option for the Old Testament Believers.  Therefore, the following scripture should be kept in mind on considerations dealing with re-marriage.

This scripture is a unique circumstance warning against remarriage to your wife after she had been remarried following your marriage to her. 

What to read next?

Marriage and the needs of the man and woman, seeking Revenge, Adultery, Cheating & Affairs,   Hope for an old relationship from the past: 60 Year Love Story